What Dr. Gabor Maté teaches us about being cool
They say you shouldn’t meet your idols, but when I finally had the chance to meet the Dr. Gabor Maté in Oakland this summer, I was not disappointed. This is the man whose groundbreaking work on trauma, healing, and personal growth has deeply influenced not just my own life, but the way I approach communication in the workplace.
Me and Dr. Gabor Maté who is holding a copy of my book, Everybody, Be Cool!
And he was gracious and wonderful. Being in his presence for even a few moments was truly a gift.
For those of you who don’t know Dr. Maté, he’s an internationally renowned speaker and best-selling author who’s spent decades exploring the intersections of trauma, illness, and mental health. His books like When the Body Says No and The Myth of Normal have reshaped how we think about trauma—not as some external event, but as something that happens within us.
One of my favorite Maté quotes, and one that I reference in Everybody, Be Cool!, is this gem from When the Body Says No: “Much of what we call personality is not a fixed set of traits, only coping mechanisms a person acquired in childhood.”
Let that sink in.
So much of who we think we are, how we react, even how we work and lead, is rooted in the survival strategies we developed as kids. Does this ring true to what you’ve experienced in the workplace?
When you realize this, suddenly those difficult conversations at work or those conflicts that seem impossible to resolve don’t feel so personal. It’s like lifting a veil on behavior and seeing the humanity behind it.
Dr. Gabor Maté reading my book, Everybody, Be Cool!
What Maté’s Insights Mean for Workplace Dynamics
When I talk about communication and conflict resolution in Everybody, Be Cool!, this idea is central. Understanding that people’s behavior is often a reflection of their early coping mechanisms gives us a whole new way to approach workplace dynamics. Think about it—how many times has a small misunderstanding at work snowballed into a huge issue, simply because neither party had the tools to navigate it?
Maté’s work provides those tools. He challenges us to see beyond the surface and to recognize the internal experiences that shape behavior. His quote from The Myth of Normal, which he co-wrote with Daniel Maté, really hits the nail on the head: “Trauma is not what happens to you but what happens inside you.”
It’s not the external event—it’s our internal response to it that matters. In the workplace, this plays out in the ways we handle stress, conflict, and relationships. If we can become more aware of these internal processes, we can fundamentally shift how we interact with others.
How This Connects to “Being Cool” at Work
In Everybody, Be Cool!, I dive deep into these concepts—making them practical and actionable for the workplace. It’s not just about navigating difficult conversations; it’s about developing the self-awareness to recognize when old coping mechanisms are showing up and choosing to respond differently.
When you understand that your colleague’s defensiveness might be their childhood coping mechanism kicking in, it’s a game-changer. Instead of reacting, you can pause and ask, “What’s really happening here?”
You might find that the conflict isn’t about the missed deadline or the tense meeting—it’s about something deeper.
And that’s where the real opportunity for growth and connection lies.
Takeaways
Self-awareness is your superpower. The more you understand your own internal landscape, the better equipped you’ll be to handle external challenges.
Empathy changes the game. Whether you’re leading a team or navigating conflict, remembering that everyone has their own internal struggles will help you approach situations with compassion and patience.
Being “cool” isn’t about being detached. It’s about being mindful and intentional in how you show up, both for yourself and for others.
If there’s one thing Dr. Maté has taught me, it’s that true healing happens when we become more in tune with what’s going on inside us. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from writing Everybody, Be Cool!, it’s that bringing that awareness into the workplace can transform not only how we communicate, but how we work together to build healthier, more productive teams.
PS: If you’re curious about bringing more “cool” into your organization, check out my consulting and training options here. Who says work and communication can’t be cool? Let’s create a better vibe for your team.
